Define thyself.

I’ve been AWOL for a bit due to more hours at work. It’s still not full time, but the travel and the early mornings (ergo, early nights) have meant that I haven’t fancied sitting down in the front of the computer more than I have to. I’ve also had less time for reading, but I will have a review up on VL this week. I’m also planning a big one for mid February – comparing a 15th century text with its modern-day counterpart. I shall say no more till then…

Apart from that, I’ve been wondering the last week or so about definitions. How do you define yourself? It’s pretty important really. Your definition of yourself affects how you approach the world. But who can define themselves in one word? There’s probably a handful of words that you would use to define yourself, to say “This is the person I am” – cheerful, ugly, intelligent, happy, pessimist, sexy, creative, lucky. But do you also define yourself by what you do, by your job?

When I was at uni, despite also working at least two days a week I defined myself as a “student” because that’s what I was. I was only working in retail because I was a student. As I’m currently working 4 days a week as a receptionist and my days of being a student are over, I’m wondering how I’d define myself now. Say I get talking to someone in a bar and they ask “And what do you do?” How would I respond? I would probably say, “I’m a receptionist,” because that’s what I am, that’s what I’m paid for. I’m also not very comfortable telling strangers “I’m a writer.” You inevitably face the “Have I read anything of yours then?” question which can be very embarrassing if, like me, you’ve only had a couple of short stories and poems published. The only person who has read my complete published works is my Mum. An unpublished novel is not half as impressive once people realise that it’s just unpublished, not unpublished-at-the-moment-but-it’s-due-out-in-March.

But in my heart, I don’t consider myself a receptionist. It’s what I do to earn money, to pay bills, buy clothes, books and paper. It is not who I am. In my heart I am a writer. I write every day, even it’s just my diary. No, I’m not a career writer. I don’t have things regularly published and it doesn’t pay my bills. But I think about it constantly. My characters live in my head. I will write on anything, including my arms, in the middle of the night when I can’t find my notebook (everyone knows when this has happened because it ends up on my face) When I’m in the bath, I chatter away into a Dictaphone (the best present ever for someone who narrates long passages when up to her neck in bubble bath and then can’t remember a word of it when she can touch her notebook without water logging it). I read books and have one of three reactions:

1. Here’s where I think they went wrong...

2. Hmmm, I would have done this… (believe it or not, but that’s the genesis of Novel Number 1).

3. That was brilliant, I wish I had written it.

Even if my published tally remains a couple of short stories and poems, I won’t stop writing. If you told me I’d never publish another word I’d still write because I wouldn’t know what to do with myself otherwise. I’d have to take up… oh, I don’t know. Oil painting. Dog breeding. Pottery.

So, should you ever meet me in a bar and I say I’m a receptionist, remember how I really define myself:

Londoner. Vegetarian. Optimist. Passionate. Writer.

Kill your darlings!

A little while ago I said that I was returning to my first novel because something that had been niggling at me suddenly made sense and I was embarking on changing that particular strand of the story. While I was at it I realised the death of another character felt a little off too. Not that she died, but the manner in which she died. So I've been thinking and thinking about that and I've come up with another way of killing her off that is much better. At the moment she dies of meningitis, which she catches while nursing a young soldier that reminds her of her son. I'm keeping the part where she nurses the boy soldier, but that's not what kills her in the end. So now there's no death-bed confession which I always felt was a little awkward. The death-bed confession is a bit of a cliché, but there were lines in her death scene that I loved so much I was loathe to cut it. I could hear my lecturers screaming "Kill your darlings!!" but I couldn't at that point. Now that I have the distance and am editing another element of it I'm able to look at it more objectively and see that what I'm planning to do now works a lot better. It creates a much more believable reason for her husband to be guilty which is very important to the story.

It really is amazing how much of a difference a break can make. I was working for about six month solid last year on actually writing and then I ploughed straight into editing. I know now that that was the wrong thing to do because I was very quickly bored. I'd been churning out on average 1,000 words a day and for that to come to an abrupt halt really didn't help the editing process, which is a frustrating, lengthy and quite boring process anyway. Next time I think I'll start on something else and get that going before I come to edit something. That way I've got something to write as a "reward" for doing some editing.

I'm also only just really learning that the phrase "Kill your darlings" is totally true. The two plot strands that I'm changing - the marriage of the hero's lover and the death of his wife - were ones that I doggedly hung onto because they made the story go a certain way. A way I needed it to go for the rest of the story to happen. However, given time and space I've come up with much better ideas that avoid death-bed-confessional clichés, create more truth, are more believable and still drive my story in the direction I want. But much more smoothly than in it did in the original. I used to scoff at the phrase - they're my darlings for a reason. And this is my story and surely I know best?? But I know now that it's true - you can never be precious about anything in your novel because then you can't be ruthless enough to cut something that's dragging it down.

But that's not to say my darlings have gone completely. They've been re-homed in a "Scraps" file should a home become available.

Hello 2011!

Remember me saying that I was certain 2011 was going to be a great year? Well, I still think that but it didn’t get off to a flying start. I started to feel a little odd on Boxing Day and then the next day, I woke up feeling a little achy and thought I must have slept funny. By that evening though it was clear that I’d caught something. Turns out I got the norovirus! I popped out Monday before I got really ill and today was the first day out since then. Felt absolutely rotten and bored beyond all possible belief. I had such a great pile of books for Christmas (mindful of how many Arthurian books I’d taken out of the library, Mum got me a stash of my own!) and I couldn’t read one, just didn’t have the energy.

Mum also got me Our Tragic Universe by Scarlett Thomas for Christmas. I read it last year and thought it was wonderful. I read it when I was in my government-funded job and was feeling just as lost as Meg in the book. I reviewed it on Vulpes Libris and it was my pick for November’s book of the month at the Big Green Bookshop. So to ease me back into reading I’m re-reading it. I’m finding Thomas’s prose just as delicious the second time round, but I’m curious to see if I respond to it as enthusiastically now that I feel more settled and focused.

So my big New Year wasn’t the greatest party ever. I admit to sitting in bed, hugging a hot water bottle and scowling when I could hear all the fireworks and the laughing and singing. This virus made me lose 4lbs! I had a new dress! I was going to look great and have a great time! Still, there’s always next weekend. But I did manage my usual New Year ritual of having a clear out. I like to start the year with a clean slate.

I’m back to work tomorrow. I was very annoyed that I had to take Thursday and Friday off last week, given that I’ve only been there five minutes, so I’m glad to get back there. I’m also going to ease myself back into my running, that’s one of my resolutions and another one is to always carry my alcohol hand rub with me! I don’t want anymore viruses!

And last but by no means least, I was very sad to hear this morning that Pete Postlethwaite, “the best actor in the world” according to Steven Speilberg, died yesterday. I really admired this man, he seemed a genuinely good bloke and was a brilliant actor. I first saw him in Dragonheart, years ago and he never disappointed me. I have a list of actors I really rate and want to see live on stage and he was on that list. I’m sad that I’ll never see him on stage, but I’m just glad that he’s left behind such a wealth of great film and TV work. He will be very sadly missed.

So much to do, so little time!!

As it turns out I picked the best – and the worst – time of year to get a job. Best because it’s the priciest time of year, not only for gifts for Christmas but also because I’ve had to buy snow boots (the irony being that they won’t arrive any time soon because of the snow) and I’m having to think about a new coat that doesn’t just soak up the cold and wet. Worst because I’ve got about a gazillion things to do before Christmas and another gazillion to do before New Year. Made worse by the fact that I was going to get loads done this weekend, but snow ruined everything! I couldn’t meet my friends for present delivery, so that’s something to do this week. Then I spent three and a half hours trying to get home from Harrow on Saturday. It’s normally a 25minute journey!! We decided that as it wasn’t snowing, we’d go to get most of the food. Next thing we know – blizzard. Still, got a lot of reading done in those three and a half hours. Even if I couldn’t feel my fingers by the time I got home.

And I also have to work Christmas Eve, which I sort of don’t mind because I can go once the last person has been seen. There are no appointments available after 1pm so even if I’m there till the last appointment, it’s not too late. The problem I have is that I’m doing a late on Thursday and last Thursday I finished an hour later than I was supposed to. If that happens again and there’s travel chaos, I’m not going to get home until very late and I’ll have to be out at 6:30am the next day to get in on time. I also haven’t seen hide nor hair of a contract and no one seems bothered about asking for my bank details. I hate having to ask about that stuff because I can see how busy everyone is and I feel like I’m worrying them. But I’m going to have to ask today because it’s getting daft now. And I really would like to be paid at the end of the month.

And finally! My internet started playing up last night which somehow – don’t ask me how! – led to iPlayer deleting every download that I attempted to play. So I’ve lost the last episode of Live at the Apollo and the last two episodes of Holby City. No great loss I hear you cry – but it’s my guilty pleasure and I wanted to see the lead up to the great Connie Beauchamp’s departure!

To sum up: I am feeling very stressed right now. I can’t even think about that short story competition that I wanted to enter.

So this is my job.

Yesterday I had my first day working the reception solo. It was an evening shift and it was relatively quiet so that was good to ease me in. I think I did ok, I haven’t had any phone calls today to say I managed to totally screw up the system yesterday. I take it that’s a good sign? There’s a couple of things I need to go over again but otherwise I should be ok. I admit I was really nervous. But practice makes perfect!

It was pretty slow, so I will be certain to keep a notebook with me so that I can write once I’ve got everything I need to do done on the quiet days. I’m no shirker, but once I’ve prepped for the next day and there’s no one waiting, no tidying or faxing to be done, it makes sense to occupy myself. I think I’ll work on some short stories and reviews until the end of the year.

I am so grateful for this job and the freedom I suddenly have. I can give cash to charities which I like to do at Christmas, especially now that I’ve been blessed with some good fortune, it’s good to pass it on. I also got a thrill when I spotted something so perfect for the Pal and knew I could get it for him. I also treated myself too, to some clothes that I could also wear to work.

And now that I can stop worrying about finding a job and having enough money in my savings to dodge the dole, I can think about other things. Pray silence for the Things to Do Before the New Year list:

• Clear out wardrobe, give clothes to charity.
• Clear out bookshelves, give books to charity.
• Sort out the files under the bed.
• Sort out this year’s bank statements.
• Sort out a writing/running schedule for the New Year.
• Sort out make-up, throw away old/unused stuff.
• Type up handwritten notes.
• Clear up computer, documents, photos, emails.

This is a yearly list. I like to start the New Year fresh, with the decks totally cleared. Everything I don’t want or don’t use anymore is either recycled or given to charity, I try not to throw things away if I can help it.

Friday is my day off so I’ll start then. This weekend is mad busy, can you believe it’s the last one before Christmas? Vulpes Libris will be on hiatus from this Sunday until the New Year, so I’ve also got plenty of time to put together some reviews. And as I’ve already sorted my outfit for the New Year, there are no more worlds to conquer! So roll on 2011!

The girl got a job.

So remember my “inspirational” post yesterday wherein I said that I was certain that 2011 was going to be great? Turns out I’m a touch more psychic than I thought because guess who just got offered a job?

I had an interview on Tuesday for the role of part-time receptionist at a private clinic. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to jinx it, even though I came out feeling that I had got it. I tried not to dwell on that and I didn’t mention it to anyone because well, you don’t want to look an idiot if you don’t get it. But I did, as of about an hour ago. Good money, good job and because it’s part-time I can still write and I fully intend to put myself about (um, publishing-wise that is).

This is just the early Christmas present I needed. I’m very glad that I didn’t go back to the Job Centre, although I told myself that I’d have to in the New Year, funds not being what they were a few months ago. So this is well-timed. I feel really good about this job and I intend to celebrate this weekend by dipping into my savings one more time. Well, I’ve got to have a work wardrobe, haven’t I? And an outfit for New Year wouldn’t hurt, would it? After all I am ushering in a great year!

So to those of you that are out of work and feeling a bit rubbish – keep your chins up! I know that is the hardest thing you can do right now, but if you do remain positive, you’ll write better applications, you’ll come over better in interviews. And remember – it’s impossible that you’re going to be in this situation forever. Every no is just taking you closer to that yes. And I know that this isn’t my dream job, but it’s keeping me going while I work towards my overall goal. It’s good to see the bigger picture, but it’s also worthwhile thinking about the brushstrokes, the steps between you and your dream.

I should probably point out that this blog isn’t about finding a job anymore. But I’m going to keep writing – about trying to get published and working towards the dream goal. Life is still full of challenges!

The girl gets inspired.

I have just received the January edition of Zest magazine (I’ve got a subscription) and it’s brimming with inspiration for change in 2011. I am determined that 2011 will be fantastic, in fact I have a feeling that it will be. I had such a feeling about 2009 and I was right (well, apart from the last couple of months when I had my very first taste of unemployment). I had a feeling that 2010 wouldn’t be great and I was right again, it’s been mainly about managing disappointment. Which is a good lesson to learn actually, so it’s not been a wasted time.

But now I’m feeling much better, the job search is well underway and I can only receive so many no’s before I get a yes. And the writing is going well, I’m still plugging away which counts for something! You can’t publish something if you don’t write it after all.

This year has not been the greatest, unemployment and terrible jobs being the main reason. But we’ve also had our fair share of bad news. Sometimes you have a bad year, when everything that can go wrong in your family seems too, all at once. So I’m ready to let this year go in a few weeks time and only remember the fun times I had (yes, I did have some!)

But next year will be better. I have decided it. I don’t have any control over the bad news days, but I do have control over the things that can make me happy. It’s really easy to feel useless – after all, if I keep getting turned down for jobs there’s got to be a reason, right? And that reason must be that I’m useless, mustn’t it? Well, no actually. I know full well I’m not useless and I hate falling under that spell because that gets me nowhere except to the bottom of a large box of chocolates. The only way out of the hole is to climb out myself, no one’s going to throw me a ladder. And I spend so much time worrying about whether I can afford to go out, whether I can afford to have dinner with friends that life becomes unendingly dreary and sorry, but that’s not my bag.

So bring on 2011! I have great plans for you. And in case you’re wondering where I’m getting my sudden zeal from, check out Zest magazine and also check out some of these inspirational ladies: Natural Beautee, A Beautiful Mess, Skunkboy Creatures and The Bothered Owl.